Pointless Superpowers


Recently, my dear friend John looked at me and said (in awe, I like to think), “I have never seen anyone consume as much caffeine as you have and stay so calm.”

I nodded sedately. It is my gift.

That morning, he made me a double Americano which I chugged before we left for breakfast at Green Eggs Cafe. I ordered the tiramisu French toast, which in addition to espresso soaked lady fingers (btw, the name for that baked good has always grossed me out) had chocolate covered espresso beans. I ate every one of those, because I’m sane. And ordered a coffee to drink. An hour or so later I had a large iced dark roast.

As far as superpowers go, I’d have to say being able to drink a LOT of coffee without twitching violently is not a great one. I’m not going to complain about this power. It allows me to do one of the things I love most in the world: drink coffee. I’m so passionately in love with coffee, it is a character in my first book. I mean, it doesn’t talk or anything, but it comes up a lot. It’s in my acknowledgements.

However, I’d much prefer to be able to teleport or fly. Or at least have the natural energy I am trying to replace by drinking coffee. My lack of natural energy has given me other superpowers:

Apparent patience
The ability to nap anywhere
The power to make really good peanut butter fudge (trust me, it’s related)
Being able to seem really calm while I’m freaking the fuck out inside
Super strength

OK, the last one probably isn’t true and is definitely unrelated, although I can lift pretty heavy things.

Huh. When I started this post, I thought I was going to have a point, but all the points have been made these last few weeks, and by much more eloquent people than I. I am tired of being earnest and outraged. Instead, I give you:

My recipe for Peanut Butter Fudge
2 cups granulated sugar
1 cup milk
3/4 cup peanut butter
1 teaspoon vanilla

Mix sugar and milk in heavy bottom sauce pan. Bring to boil (watching carefully, this mixture is an evil trickster and wants to ruin your day by boiling over the second you let your concentration lapse). Boil on low until [fudge chemistry] the soft ball stage or 237 to 239 °F (114 to 115 °C), if you have a candy thermometer. Or even if you don’t, but you won’t know it’s at that temperature without a candy thermometer, unless you too have a pointless super power.

To be honest, I don’t do any of that temperature stuff. It is not a super power but a relentless sweet tooth and inherent laziness that has given me years of experience making my own candy in the comfort of my pajamas. I cook it until it looks right.

Let it cool a little, then add the vanilla (it will bubble because of science) and peanut butter (it will smell good, because of peanut butter and sugar and milk). Stir or beat until it starts to set, then pour in a buttered fudge pan. What? You don’t have a fudge pan? It’s…you know…the one other people bake stuff in I guess. 8 inch square. Put in the fridge to cool. Yeah… I don’t do that. I eat it hot and burn myself a little. Hurts so good.

How to Make Really Awesome, Really Strong Coffee

This will put hair on your chest. (note to self: wax chest)

You will need one of these


Around 4 tbls of this (yeah, I’m not kidding around)

major dick

and about 6 oz. boiling water. Prepare according to Aeropress instructions. Do whatever Aeropress says. Aeropress understands — it knows things. 

Add a splash of milk, if so desired. Sip and say, “ahhhh. so good. &#$&!”  That last step is involuntary.